Life of a Diamond

“I had to let you go, not because there was no love, because there was no growth”.

There have been times in my life where I held on to people knowing that God was instructing me to let them go. I had gotten in the habit of trying to fix those who were broken because I secretly loved the fact that I could be that person that someone could call and go to in their times of need. Hello, my name is Danielle and I am a healer of those who are broken. I learned at an early age that I have a gift to make those around me feel very good about themselves. Many times I would meet people and within the first few conversations with them I could pinpoint what their problems were. And me, wanting to be captain save a… (you know the rest) would make it my mission to try to heal broken people. I know what you are going to say, I am a Christian… It is part of my job to help people… and yes that is true. But as I have come to learn over the very short 31 years of my life is that I can help people without being an enabler to their foolery.

    When I was 21, I met a boy. I was so head over heels for him… wanting to do anything in my power to please him and make him feel good about himself. He would often tell me about his past relationships and how women had let him down causing him to lose trust. Me being well me, I thought that I had the power to change his heart. I had completely put my own wants and desires to the side and began altering who I was to try to prove my worthiness to him (mistake). By me having that way of thinking and not having set clear boundaries in the beginning with him,  I left myself open to be used by him. During the course of our 5 year relationship, it was an emotional rollercoaster. The highs were high, and the lows made me want to curl up in a ball and die. I didn’t know who I was when I got into that relationship. I knew I was a good person, I knew that I cared for him deeply, but I also knew that the person that I had become during the course of the relationship, I didn’t like. It was like I was in a game that I hadn’t signed up for. There were other girls, children that he had conceived (without me), on top of emotional and verbal abuse. I thought at the time that all I had to do was be there and he would eventually see that I was the one for him. I was showing up for him and his needs before I showed up for myself. I thought that what we shared was love. And according to the “world” it was. We looked great on social media, he always kept me in the latest clothes, shoes, you name it… but behind the scenes I was sleeping in bed with my enemy. Each time we got into an argument, and I would get a few days away from him to clear my head,I felt relief. But I kept going back. Falling for the lies and the victimization that he claimed. I would think “I can’t just leave him, that’s what everyone has done and I can’t be the one to hurt him more.” By thinking this way, it hadn’t even dawned on me that I was hurting myself. I was putting myself last, and I made him into a god of my life. My whole world revolved around him. I didn’t even see my family. I would distance myself from them because I could not bear to answer the questions that they may have had concerning our relationship, so I stayed away. Further isolating myself, and giving him exactly what he wanted… complete control over me. 

    I was emotionally drained. Walking on eggshells whenever we were together because I never knew which version of him I was going to get when I walked through the door. Would it be my lover, or my enemy? My whole concept of love was off. The world teaches us that the ratio of women to men in this world is 102/100 so it’s impossible to find a man who will be faithful and loyal so we better be prepared to compete with other women and accept that our men will cheat. Right? The sad thing is that I actually believed that. I saw women on reality shows constantly fighting and competing with each other over the men that they were sleeping with. I witnessed women in designer shoes and bags arguing over which random girl was trying to get the next bag and come for their spot. The world taught me that I was replaceable and that I had better fight for my spot. It was not until I understood that I was not of the world, that I was God’s child and I was above this world that my way of thinking shifted. Up until then, I had put my ex boyfriend in the position that I should have put God in, and by doing that our relationship was doomed to fail. I had made my relationship with a man more important than my relationship with God. Big mistake! It’s no wonder I went through hell. I had been waiting on a man to choose me, and God showed me that He chose me, before I was even conceived in my mother’s womb (John 15:16). All I had to do was choose myself. Romans 8:28 teaches us that God uses all things to work together for the good, and I truly believe that. All I had to do was pray, repent, and ask for help.

See, it never occurred to me that aside from God I was the only one who could get me out of that situation. I had a choice to make, I kept waiting on him to leave me and it didn’t dawn on me that he would never leave me because I was his “doormat” that he could use and abuse whenever he saw fit. God had slowly opened my eyes that the way that I had done life was so very wrong. Although God has given me the gift of healing, I was not supposed to abuse my gift and become an enabler. I was supposed to heal in the name of Jesus, with truth, love, accountability, and prayer. The rest was up to God. As I got closer to God, I began to understand His characteristics by reading His word. The more I understood God, the more I began to heal. I learned that He is love, and anything else that doesn’t reflect the love of Him is of the devil. As hard as it was, I had to let go. I could no longer fight God to keep my relationship going with a person who didn’t even deserve my love. See the thing is, I hadn’t even realized by trying to prove my worthiness to him I had not even asked God if this man was worthy enough for me. God wants us all to be in love. To have real genuine love, without envy, without dishonor, without anger and with truth! Now looking back, I am so happy that God rescued me from myself. I was on the verge of self destruction because I refused to let go of what was not for me, and who knows what would have happened if I continued to be disobedient. God told me that I had to let him go, not because there was no love, but because there was no healthy growth.

-Danielle.

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